The Crisis of Feeling Lost

This generation where I grew up in is probably the reason why I’m feeling so restless with how my life is turning out. I can honestly say when I was sixteen, I already have my life figured out.

I swore to myself that by 23, I would be in a bigger city doing something that has to do with medicine, moved in into a cute apartment with white bed sheets and I would finally be happy.

This was cliche to a sixteen year old who didn’t know anything about responsibilities and how the world is not kind to people with big dreams.

I wanted it all. And I feel like I’m running out of time.

In reality, I have a job that pays well although I’m still in the city where I grew up in. I also have more than what I need when it comes to affection. And I still have my dreams tucked in me despite how things are turning out.

I sound like a whiny “millennial” when I tell people I feel lost. People would say others have it worse. That I’m already lucky to have this. Believe me, this has nothing to do with lack of gratitude or discontentment.

I know how blessed I am. ( I hate how entitled this sounds)

I just have this feeling that I’m living out my mediocre potential. I know there’s something more for me out there.

I just feel so lost. And I want to cave in. This routine life is caging me into a comfort zone that is not actually comfortable.

This is as raw as quarter life crisis can get.

The only thing that keeps me going right now is the thought that I’m doing a lot better than my 16 year old spoiled self and some people of my age. This is my assurance that maybe in due time, I will finally have it figured out.

I also know that I’ve been so hard on myself. I’m a stubborn person and I don’t react well with being turned down.

This uncertainty is making me anxious.

Will it be worth it?

Will the frustration end?

Will I be finally happy with how far I’ve come?

So many questions for a girl whom the universe owes nothing.

Hoping this will go away when I’ll wake up.

Or better yet, I’ll wake up with a hope that never goes away.
(Shoutout to Erika Lagunzad for inspiring me to write without pretentions 😊😊)

As Long As It Will Burn 

I was always told how to never stay with people for their warmth. And then you came along and I was reminded what it was like to be set on fire.

And that terrifies me the most.

Fires like this wont burn forever.

There will be storms that will put out the flames. There will be cold nights that will need bigger fires.
And we will burn with it.

And we’ll be left with crumbling ashes and a little smoke to remind what was here.

And I still don’t know what to make out of the cold shivers whenever you kiss me.

But this fire is meant to last.

It is meant to stay if you will.
It is meant to stay if you will.

Poems Don’t Always Have To Rhyme and Love Doesn’t Always Have To Make Sense. 

We coexisted in our
seperate worlds as
long as we can remember.

Without a clue or 
an idea of each other’s
stories and existence.

You had your own.
I was on my own.

You came without a warning
And I tried keeping you
at bay from my heart.

But how can you stop
something thats meant to
find you in this lifetime?

Even before I could say no,
you, the unexpected one,
already made a home in me.

The Story So Far

This isn’t how I imagined letting my guards down. It didn’t take some grand gesture for you to do so. It did took a lot of time for me to admit it but the more I resist, the more it persists. It was in the little changes in my life since you came that made it obvious – that subconsciously, I’ve already let you in. 

 Its when I started eating sushi because one time you craved for it. And turns out, it was actually good. (Reminds me of you) 

Its when I’ve learned to love dogs when I despise every single one I’ve met. (I even got one recently) 

Its when you wanted to have coffee with me even though you prefer tea (with honey).

Its when I can talk freely about the most random thing when I am an introvert and has anxiety issues with talking. (Still working on the anxiety)

Its when I can imagine you in my future when all my life I’ve been just “winging” it. (Please don’t find this creepy)

I used to believe that love needs to have a calculated timing and a well rehearsed theatrics. But when we were in your bed, watching a football game and you paused the game, looked me in eye and told me you love me for the first time, I realized that love should be this simple. 

I didn’t need a grand gesture from you (that my 19 year old self would love) as a proof that you love me. 

I just needed to hear those words.

And as simple as that, I believed in love again. 

March 5th

Here I am again, writing about something I don’t want to say out in the open. I’m afraid because when I do, it will leave me with only two possibilities. The possibility of being rejected and the possibility of being vulnerable.

But here I am again.

Brave enough to write about one of my deepest fears – feeling something.

You feel like coming home. With you, it feels like the excitement of going home when I had a bad day. And despite of how my day went, I know you’re inside waiting and leaving the lights on for me.

You feel like a Sunday. You’re so easy to be with. You make me look forward to spending mundane and lazy days with you. And it would still feel magical.

You fit me like a last puzzle piece. You know that piece that you weren’t looking for turns out to be one who will complete the picture? You are that puzzle piece. I never thought you, of all people, would make sense of this mess I’m in.

I’ve been taking mental notes about you and your quirks and I’ve been trying to map out the timeline of your life that I only get to experienced in your stories.

I like the laugh you make when you see something petty but you think its the funniest thing ever. I love your childhood stories of how you ended up with stitches in the hospital. I love the sight of you getting excited over your favorite ice cream. I like how we love the same things – from Harry Potter down to the favorite football team.

But.

As much I’d like to admit how much I like you, I find myself terrified of you. You make me feel the cliche. You make me feel like I can breathe easy again. You make me feel like I’m …

(I’m still trying to figure out what this is but I hope you’re It)

I Want To Learn You

In the simplest sense, you make me remember.

Of all the good this world still has.
Of all the things could go right.
Of all the feelings I thought I’ve forgotten.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
You were just a new feel.

And now, I don’t know what to make out of you anymore.

One thing is for certain,
When you’re sleepy and you held me closer,
I wanted it to stay that way.